Although it’s classified as a compact, the Golf is—there’s no other word for it—enormous. Like the Mini and the 500, and every other car on the market, the Golf has grown to gargantuan proportions, a victim of a crass public that can’t tell the difference between useful figures and bigger figures. But fear not, Volkswagen already has an answer! Sure, it was designed for old Europe’s tiny streets, but it’s perfect for America’s massive expanses: the Up!
Why?
Fact the first! The Up! has a 1.0-liter TSI engine that only makes 90 hp and that’s the right amount. Yes, we live in an age when a major manufacturer is mass producing an engine with more than seven times more horsepower, and yes I want to drive a Hellcat more than I want my next four or five meals, but be honest: 707 hp is way too much. In fact, I would argue that most cars are overpowered. How many of the hundreds of horses whose power you have access to are you using on a given day? If all cars came fitted with one of Bugatti’s horsepower gauges I doubt the vast majority of them go more than half the way around in their lives. The Up!’s would definitely go all the way around, though.
Chris Harris once called the Toyota 86 a 10/10th car and that’s what Up! is, too. You can stab at the gas pedal with reckless abandon in the Up! and no one’s the wiser, because you’re only getting it up to the speed limit. Every drive can include hooning, but you’ll never be bothered by the fuzz. And the engine’s turbocharger only makes things better. With forced induction comes torque and oodles of turbo lag, which is a good thing in a car like this. People talk about turbo lag like it’s an Illuminati conspiracy, but in the Up! it’s an event. Every time you jump on the throttle three things happen: you move a little, lots of sound happens, and then you get a kick in the backside. It never gets old. You aren’t going very quickly, but it feels like afterburners have just kicked in. In other words, it’s fun.
Fact the second! The Up! only weighs 1,002 kg. That’s 2,209 lbs in the units of the empire. Modern cars trick you into thinking that they need gobs of power, but that’s only because they weigh too much. And we all know that more power means bigger brakes (which weigh more), heavier duty suspension (which weighs more), bigger engines (which weigh more), and luxury accouterments (which weigh more). Seriously, so-called supercars weigh nearly twice as much as the Up! Since it only weighs as much as one fat horse, but has the power of 90 stout horses it feels quick. And that translates laterally, too. When the Up! gets to a corner there’s nothing pushing it off its line. And with the wheels way out in the corners the handling is tight, quick, and neutral. And again, that’s a long winded way of saying it’s fun.
Fact the third! It’s cheap. Starting at just 9,850 euros ($10,720 not that a straight conversion is all that helpful) the Up! isn’t the cheapest subcompact in Europe, but it is competitive. And wouldn’t you rather drive this than a Chevy Spark? Yes, you would, because the Up! is nice inside and looks cute the way a scotty does, not cute the way a pug does. And since it’s cheap buyers can afford to get one and also do fun stuff with the all the money they aren’t spending on the unused third row of seats and the four-wheel-drive that will never see anything but tarmac in the SUV they were invariably going to buy instead. They can do fun stuff like modify it.
Fact the fourth! A light, good looking, small displacement, cheap car is the perfect candidate for modification. Want to see triple digit power and dust regular Up!s at the lights? Stage 1 tune. Want a car that’s got way too much engine for a third the price of a Hellcat? Swap in a GTI engine. It won’t be easy, but if we put our heads together we can work it out. And you don’t even have to empty it of its seats and deprive it of its usability, because it’s already lighter than anything you’re likely to meet on the road.
Yes, I put it to you that thanks to its light weight, appropriate power, good looks, and easy modifiability the Volkswagen Up! is the perfect car for Volkswagen of America. Because what could fit the ethos of the brand better than a great, cheap, small, lightweight, high quality, adorable, charming car that Americans don’t buy?
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